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  • December 10, 2017

    THE ANXIOUS ADVENTURER | Living life to the fullest with an anxiety disorder | Lets go to Maui

    courage, fear, anxiety, agoraphobia

    Let's go to Maui! Hello, my friends, my name is Tessa. I am 35, mom to two adorable Havanese dogs, and married to my husband Jeremy. I am the founder, owner, and designer of my own company called Soul Curiosity. I love learning new things, exploring different cultures, and experiencing anything in life that makes me or someone else smile. I feel deeply—I guess you can say I’m sensitive, but I like to call it empathic. I have an innate desire to share the highs and lows of my life in the hopes of positively impacting others. Why would I call myself an anxious adventurer? Well, I have an anxiety disorder called agoraphobia, a shadow that likes to follow me wherever I go. I also have three autoimmune diseases that make living with anxiety that much more exciting! I refuse to let either keep me from following my dreams and engaging with life in a way that I desire. If you struggle with anxiety, I hope this inspires you to step outside of your comfort zone. If you have a loved one who struggles with anxiety, perhaps this will help you cultivate more empathy and understanding as they navigate uncomfortable situations.

    This anxious adventurer would like to take you on her honeymoon to Maui, Hawaii.

    Over the summer, my dad gave us the best wedding gift, money for a honeymoon! I was instantly excited, then anxiety kicked in. This means I have to fly somewhere, huh? Oh no… this means I am going to be anxious. We ended up choosing Maui for a variety of reasons, one being that it would be a warm destination for our honeymoon, and two, it has a Whole Foods which would make eating for my autoimmune easier. For anxiety sufferers, the anxiety develops way before any departure, they call it anticipatory anxiety and it’s the worst. You get irrational thoughts and your mind creates all these scary movie-like scenarios that honestly, 99% of the time never happen.

    The anxious person has their own mantra that is repeated on loop and it’s not something you would post on Instagram to inspire others. It’s called the “what-ifs.” What if I get really sick? What if I feel terrible the entire time I am there? What if I have a meltdown on the airplane? What if my plane plummets into the ocean? What if I have a panic attack while snorkeling and drown? What if I am hiking and can’t breathe? What if Whole Foods doesn’t have any food I can eat (I mean really Tessa?).

    The list goes on and on. The controlling part of you is checking off all possible scenarios so you feel best prepared when things go sideways. The thing is… “the things” rarely go sideways, yet you can’t stop yourself from obsessing over the details.

    There was a time when I refused to fly anywhere. I was convinced for whatever reason I was going to die. I would actually be up the night before in tears, counting down the hours until I would be dead. Sounds super dramatic I know, but it’s the truth. I would say no to vacations because I couldn’t get on an airplane. My dad told me I had a higher chance of being hit in the supermarket with cheese than dying on a plane. I knew the statistics but it didn’t help. I started flying again with the help of a prescription drug called Xanax when I moved away for college in Utah. If I wanted to see my family I knew I had to get on an airplane. Facetime and Skype weren’t invented yet :). 

    I’m not going to lie, flying on Xanax was amazing. The plane could have crashed and I wouldn’t have cared. I am proud, however, to be Xanax-free since 2012. I had horrible side effects—plus I really wanted to start dealing with my anxiety head-on. Xanax helped get me to Kauai in 2009, so flying this time around felt different being completely drug-free. I didn’t start to get nervous until an hour into the plane ride when I realized I had another five hours to go. I was able to mentally calm my nerves down and the rest of the ride wasn’t too bad. Being on an island is a weird feeling. For me, I initially got really claustrophobic, being in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, not to mention knowing your only way off the island is getting back on an airplane. It took me a day to fully relax, which was much quicker than the last time I visited the islands.

    A lot of people on vacation like to completely relax. I do too, but I also love adventurous activities which unfortunately trigger my anxiety. I didn’t want to let anxiety keep me from doing fun things so I forged on, anxiety in tow. I did a 26-mile bike ride down a 6,000-foot volcano in the rain, ziplined, snorkeled, and took two boat rides into the Pacific Ocean, one in the dark.

    As mentioned earlier, anticipatory anxiety kicked in right before any anxiety-provoking event, followed by the good ol' mantra: "what if.”

    What if I get sick on the bike ride?

    What if I get too cold in the rain?

    What if I can’t finish it?

    What if I freak out on the zipline?

    What if I get really thirsty on the three-hour tour and there isn’t any water?

    What if our boat gets a hole and we sink into the ocean?

    It’s exhausting reading those huh? The thing about anxiety is that our bodies are actually trying to work with and for us. Our mental worries trigger our flight or fight response and our brain is trying to help us resolve the anxious feelings. We are thinking and creating non-existent worries so our bodies follow, leaving us feeling more anxious and overwhelmed.

    I don’t want you to think my entire honeymoon was an anxious tizzy, because it wasn’t. All the moments of pure contentment and peace reminded me why I wanted to go in the first place. In those peaceful moments, I feel alive and sometimes I shed a few tears because of how wonderful I feel and how proud I am of myself. Even with the anxious shadow that follows me, I find fun, act silly, and sit with those good feelings when they are present. That moment of alignment with yourself is unparalleled to anything else, you feel free, connected, and at home in your own body.

    Here are five tips to help alleviate some anticipatory anxiety for your next exploration into the unknown. I know you're feeling overwhelmed, so take a deep breath. I am here for you!

    • Obsess Once:
      Allow yourself to obsess or be anxious about something once, make a plan A, plan B, and plan C... okay let’s be real, you have about 10 plans in your mind so you can feel a bit more in control. The key here is to make the plans and then let them go! Each time your mind tries to repeat that scenario, remind yourself you already have a strategy in place so there is no need to go over it again and again. We all know it only invites the type of imagery seen on Dateline’s 20/20.
    • Say Yes:
      Only do things that you truly want to do. Just because we are scared to do something doesn’t mean we should force ourselves to do it. Have an honest conversation with yourself. Is this something I really want to do? If I wasn’t worried about the outcome, would I do it? If the answer is yes, this is a great opportunity to work through anxiety.
    • Baby Steps:
      So you want to snorkel but you are petrified to get in the water. Panic attacks change your relationship with water, it just does. For me, I had a life jacket and I stayed close to the boat. I wasn’t swimming around carefree like everyone else, but I got in the water and I challenged myself. Next time, I plan to venture further out.
    • Self-Care:
      It is important to enjoy your vacation, however, anxiety sufferers still need to take care of their physical body. Late nights, excessive drinking, and unhealthy foods will not do you any favors in the anxiety department. Listen to your body and know when to cut back a bit. Please enjoy your time away, just remember that anxiety loves to pop up when your body is a little run down. Just ask my 23-year-old college self who went to work at a coffee stand, then proceeded to cure her hangover with two mochas and a muffin. Cue in the panic attack that followed, the fire truck that showed up, and confused spectators who thought I was strung out on drugs as I was semi-unconscious on the floor. Take it from me, what you put into your body counts!
    • Involve Others:
      Be honest and upfront about your anxiety with those close to you. My husband doesn’t understand my anxiety completely, but our up-front communication regarding my fears has helped us become a team. Your friends and family can be your biggest cheerleaders. I told my husband the best thing he can do when I am anxious is to ask “what do you need from me right now?” Sometimes I just need him to hold my hand or hug me while I breathe. This takes a lot of pressure off others as well. They want to help, but often have a hard time relating to what you’re experiencing and feeling.
    • DARE
      No, not the anti-drug campaign, I don’t think that even exists anymore. DARE is this wonderful program by Barry McDonaugh that helps anxiety sufferers work through panic attacks and fears. This program has helped me tremendously and believe me, I have read every book out there! Learn more about DARE for support. They even have a Facebook support group that is fantastic.

    My final thoughts: I know how debilitating anxiety is, I really do. You are not alone and you don’t have to suffer in silence anymore. My plan going forward is to keep pushing myself: to keep living life, inviting anxiety along for the journey. Each success builds confidence and I’ve never regretted going on a vacation, ever! So, where am I off to next? Who knows. But I'm off, whether anxiety has booked a seat beside me or not.  

    And it’s okay to cry at any point on your journey. I cried a tad on my flight home. Everyone on the plane thought I was sad to leave Maui, right? You can do this, we can do this together!

    If you are looking for inspiration or want to follow my life adventures, please follow me on Facebook and Instagram @mysoulcuriosity. I also have a lot of resources on my website www.mysoulcuriosity.com as well. 

    With Love,
    Tessa

     

     

     

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  • May 16, 2017

    My Journey with Autoimmune Disease

    My Journey with Autoimmune Disease

    To read the original article published (July 6, 2015) in Indian Country Today, click on the link below. 

    The Beginning
    My life started to unravel in 2008. I was tired, bloated, reactive to food, irritable, anxious, and at times depressed. From the outside, I had it all. Inside, I knew something was very wrong. Western doctors started their rounds of testing, but were dumbfounded. I took a workshop on naturopathic medicine and was mesmerized by what was considered an alternative form of healthcare, which is what I now call indigenous ways of healing.

    Within 24 hours I completely changed my diet and lifestyle. I started seeing a naturopathic doctor. Many of my symptoms improved within months, but deep within I knew something still wasn’t right. After a week-long 30th birthday binge-eating celebration in 2012, I knew that my mystery issue was cyclical and dependent on the foods I ate, my sleep patterns, and overall emotional health. One month later I was diagnosed with three autoimmune diseases; I was crushed.

    It’s My Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To
    The Internet can be your best friend or worst enemy. For me, it was the gateway to the future hell I thought my life would become. Autoimmune sufferers talked about their teeth falling out, hair falling out and, in extreme cases, death from complications. Many individuals diagnosed were over 45 and here I was at the age of 30, believing all my dreams were over.

    So what did I do? I had a party, an invitation for one. Did I have a cry fest? You bet! I cried every day—most often in the corner of my closet so my roommate wouldn’t hear me. What if my disease got so bad I couldn’t do art anymore? What if I have to quit my job because the fatigue gets too bad? Who would want to marry me? What if I slowly die?

    Autoimmune is when your body gets confused and starts to attack itself—not only real foreign invaders, but the healthy tissues and organs as well. My body was so reactive there were days when I couldn’t get much food down. I would go to bed hungry. Other days I was too tired to care.

    Getting Dumped
    No, my boyfriend at the time didn't break up with me, he actually took a second job as my nursemaid even though I tried to convince him to leave me. Food broke up with me. I was told to cut out dairy, gluten, corn, soy, grains, sugar, coffee, and at one point fruit. It was easier to tell people what I could eat. I took the breakup hard, really hard. It was like seeing an ex three times a day and my friends brought him around all the time too. 

    I isolated myself. I was in full post food breakup depression without any comfort foods to make me feel better. Who wants to eat a celery stick mid meltdown? The disease was wreaking havoc on my internal and external being. Looking at myself in the mirror became a painful ritual—I did just enough to be presentable. My hair started to thin and that bothered me more than any other side effect of the disease. I loved my long hair. 

    One evening my boyfriend found me crying on the floor holding the hair straightener I had just broken—welcome to rock bottom. I looked at him and said: “Why do you love me, there isn’t anything beautiful to love anymore.” Without hesitating, he said, “I love you for the person you are on the inside, and I still think you’re beautiful.” I realized that I didn’t really love myself. I didn’t know how to accept the things about myself I wanted to change. It was then that I realized my disease was connected to the relationship I had with myself, which needed some serious nurturing.

    Medicine Wheel
    I was determined to get better. I have always been an overachiever, which ironically was part of the problem. My greatest strengths were also my biggest weaknesses. I refused any over-the-counter medication, which made people nervous, but I knew that healing wasn’t going to manifest through quieting the symptoms. My body was screaming at me, and I was ready to listen.

    At first, I thought I could get my disease into remission through diet, exercise, and sleep. However, my progress eventually plateaued. I was then drawn to the Native American medicine wheel that balances the physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual aspects of our lives. I was avoiding addressing the emotional issues in my life because, let’s be honest, that’s uncomfortable. Who wants to enter those dark places we work so hard to control, ignore, or cover up with food or substances. My spirit said: “Diet and exercise aren’t enough, let’s go there. You know you have to Tessa, and I know you’re scared.” I went to that place. Many times. Traumas and emotions I never knew existed magically appeared during my inner work. I couldn’t believe such things had been trapped within the walls of my body for so long. There were times I cried so deeply, I just knew I was releasing something profound, something that was begging to be released. 

    Healing
    My life has dramatically improved since hiding myself in the closet with a celery stick. As challenging as living with a disease can be, it has brought many blessings to my life. I believe in the power of naturopathic medicine and holistic health care. The medicine wheel has become the foundation in which I keep exploring and fine-tuning the various aspects of my life that need attention. My physical space is strengthened through diet, sleep, hydration, and exercise. My emotional space is nurtured through journaling, music, poetry, art therapy, meditation, and yoga.

    Mentally, I challenge deep-rooted belief systems and replace them with beliefs that are in alignment with my true self. My spiritual space has been dedicated to a self-created sanctuary where I pray to Creator, smudge, set intentions, and express daily gratitude. I do not take prescription medication and strongly believe in the power to heal my disease through preventative and natural means. I eat organic food, use natural cleaners, and wear non-toxic makeup. And yes, it is expensive. Any excess income I have is gone. Would I rather be spending money on vacations and new clothes? Yes. My budget is tight, and that’s because I have made a conscious choice to put my well-being first. Any shot I have at pure remission is dependent on the work I put in every day.

    I have embraced the concepts of letting go, accepting, trusting, and forgiving. I still have hard days—I sometimes cry. I am human, and I’m learning to accept that I don’t have to be perfect. I believe that as I continue to work through my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental well-being, my disease will be something of the past. There are days when I don’t feel well, which means I have to examine the world around me and inside me to figure out what needs nurturing, what needs attention. I have more days that I feel amazing and grateful. I love myself more than I did seven years ago.

    You Can Heal Too
    Lifestyle changes are overwhelming because they require us to explore the caverns within us that hold vulnerable wounds, many of which are from childhood. They say belief systems take hold before the age of seven and are reinforced by the environment around us. Emotions are energy, and energy cannot be destroyed. They hide and poison our beautiful bodies, creating stress, illness, and unhappy people. Until you dedicate time to exploring and processing trauma, it will keep you hostage. Reach out for support and surround yourself with those who encourage you to follow your own path. It takes great courage to look within.

    Our society often looks externally for answers, validation, and for others to fill the voids within our hearts. The answers are always within you. When you take the time to heal and love yourself, you are not only giving yourself an amazing gift, but the people around you as well. If you ask yourself the right questions, you will find the answers, the willpower, and guidance to come back to the person you have always been. It is a journey of self-discovery that never ends. You will never be perfect. But I promise you will be happier, healthier, and more loving than you ever thought possible.

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  • May 08, 2017

    My Journey With Agoraphobia

    My Journey With Agoraphobia

    Agoraphobia is a complex anxiety disorder in which you fear and avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic, feel trapped, helpless, or embarrassed. Common fears associated with agoraphobia are traveling, driving, public speaking, being alone, airplanes, public transportation, elevators, and large crowds. Agoraphobia typically manifests after someone has a severe panic attack. They begin to fear the fear, worried panic will strike any moment. 

    Everyone experiences what I call "typical anxiety"...you know, the butterflies in your stomach before a first date, the nervousness you get before a job interview. Generalized anxiety is a broader term that refers to people who feel a certain level of anxiousness or stress daily. As you dig deeper into the various forms of anxiety, you will find more specialized types that vary from person to person. Regardless of the type, all anxiety sufferers wish they felt different. Up until I was 19 years old, I knew what "typical anxiety" was.

    I was making coffee, just a regular day as a barista in 2002 while on summer break from college at the cutest little coffee stand called Chug-A-Tug. I loved my job. While counting money, out of nowhere, my heart started to race and I felt as if it were going to explode. I grabbed my chest and fell to the ground unable to breathe. Am I dying? Am I having a heart attack? I was rushed to urgent care and all types of tests were run. My heart was fine. I had what the doctor called a panic attack. A what? That was not okay and I didn’t want to experience it again. I was supposed to work the next day and was dreading it. What if it happens again? I work alone, what will happen if I pass out? I literally thought about each breath in and each breath out. I carried a brown paper sack to breathe into when I felt anxious. I took it everywhere. I started to feel safer around others just in case it happened again. I didn't want to be alone...I didn't want to be in my body. 

    Soon after, I went back to college and the anxiety got worse. I was on scholarships and very stressed about keeping my grades up in addition to working. I didn't tell many people about the anxiety, I was too embarrassed and ashamed. Instead, I silently suffered, determined to put on a happy face. In order to soothe the anxiety, I created "safety" routines and habits. I had to sit near the exit in every class, just in case I needed to exit. I knew where all my friends lived, just in case I felt panic and needed someone to be there. I couldn't be home alone so when my roommates were gone, I studied at coffee shops. Driving down the freeway I knew where all the hospitals were in case I needed to visit the ER. I was completely petrified of my own body and what it was capable of doing without my consent. I thought about anxiety every day. It was the constant shadow that followed me everywhere. 

    In 2003, I suffered another major panic attack, this time the paramedics were called because I was semi-unconscious. I was mortified it happened in public. I spiraled into another dark hole of despair. What am I doing wrong? Why me? I was exhausted trying to manage and control my anxiety, afraid it would ruin my life. Shockingly, I kept a 3.8 GPA through college and was never late to work or class. The only reason I didn't abuse drugs or alcohol is that I hated feeling out of control; it made me more anxious. I had times of peace and clarity and enjoyed many aspects of college. Even with the highs, I knew anxiety could knock at my door at any moment.

    I discovered there were books and websites specific to anxiety and realized that I had a specialized form called agoraphobia. I was so relieved to know other people felt like me. You mean someone else gets anxious in a left-hand turn lane? I knew my fears were irrational, yet I couldn't stop being afraid of all the sensations and intrusive thoughts. In 2005, I was offered a scholarship for graduate school in Utah. Of course, I panicked at the thought of moving to a new place not knowing anyone. I mean, who would be my safe person? My doctor and I decided it was best to try Zoloft, a drug often used for anxiety. It did help in many ways. However, by 2007 I was determined to deal with my anxiety naturally. I also had to say goodbye to my best friend Xanax, my ultimate safe person, because I was having horrible side effects after taking it. I hardly ever took it, but knowing I had it was enough to help curb an oncoming panic attack. For many years Xanax was the only reason I could get on an airplane. Not being able to use Xanax was both a blessing and a curse. It forced me to face my anxiety head-on. However, the thought of feeling through intense anxious moments on my own was scary. I am very proud to say I have been flying Xanax-free since 2010. Not to mention flying to New York alone and Iceland! 

    In 2012, after getting diagnosed with autoimmune disease, I started changing my lifestyle drastically. My anxiety got better as did my autoimmune. I was introduced to the DARE program by Barry McDonagh. I started saying yes to things I would have normally said no to. I started living outside my comfort zone, which actually made me more confident and happier. I told myself I would rather say yes to something and "fail," rather than saying no and wishing I would have done it. 

    Would I consider myself totally healed? No. Anxiety will hibernate and at times pop up at unexpected times and unexpected places. I still struggle with anticipatory anxiety, driving long distances, staying home alone overnight, and sleeping away from home in new cities. Sometimes I have stretches of complete peace that anxiety seems a thing of the past. Other times anxiety is the guest who showed up to your party uninvited. I realized that healing my anxiety was not about taking prescription drugs or avoiding my triggers. It was about listening to my body and slowing down to nurture its calling. The hardest thing I have done to this day is sitting silently with myself during anxious moments. I truly believe in the “feel it to heal it” motto, and continually work on showing up for myself when difficult sensations arise instead of running away from them. I have also realized that sometimes showing up for yourself is using your resources and knowing when to hug yourself a little harder and practice self-compassion. Sometimes, you just need a break from “working on anxiety” and that is okay too. 

    I am proud of the hard work I have done thus far. Anxiety, like my autoimmune, has positively affected my life in many ways. I am a better person, friend, daughter, and wife. I have cultivated an immense amount of self-compassion and love for myself that has translated to empathy and compassion for others. Each milestone is something to be proud of.

    With Love,
    Tessa

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